Curses. Foiled Again! I don't think so!!

Yesterday, I sent the below letter to Wal-Mart. It will present all necessary background for the latest episode in my Oh-I-Don't-Think-So attitude adjustment.

To Whom It May Concern:

On June 7, 2009, I shopped for several items at Store Number 2015. Upon checkout, I was surprised to learn that a coupon I had for “One Free Roll of Reynolds Wrap Heavy Duty Aluminum Foil” would not be honored. The cashier told me that the store does not accept internet coupons. An assistant manager, Mildred, happened by and rudely reiterated what was, in her estimation, the clear fact that the store does not internet coupons. She refused to give further explanation as to why my Manufacturer’s Coupon was unacceptable.

Due largely to Mildred’s brusque response to my questions about the coupon and the store’s policy, I requested to speak to the Manager. The Manager, Cindy, again restated the store’s policy. She then presented to me a book, presumably some sort of operations manual, with a highlighted portion stating “Do not accept photocopies of coupons.” Cindy maintained that this phrase was the reason the store would not honor my coupon.

The coupon I have is not a photocopy. Further, Wal-Mart’s Coupon Policy on its website clearly states that it accepts internet coupons. Therefore, I respectfully request that the purchase price of the item ($3.32) be reimbursed to me as soon as possible. Enclosed please find the relevant documentation supporting this request.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if I can provide further information.

That's right, people, I'm making a fuss over $3.32 (less the 44 cents it cost to mail said letter). That's a net of $2.88 for my outrage. Compensation for the offensive incident is not unreasonable, and Wal-Mart should issue a reimbursement check forthwith (I work for attorneys). Furthermore, the company should show me the money even more forthwither, lest I take a lesson from a gentleman in Louisiana who earlier this month set his local Wal-Mart store ON FIRE after not being allowed to return various items. Look it up, I swear. Fire! He set the joint on Fire. This was certainly about more than 50 square feet of aluminum foil. Hey, aluminum foil won't combust in the oven - do you think they could have used it to put out the fire started by Mr. Wright (actual name of arsonist)?

I will probably never know why the managers I dealt with regarding my food-wrapping substance were so hot and bothered to absolutely refuse my valid and legitimate coupon. Perhaps they feared that the coupon truly was copied, and that I was in criminal violation of federal copyright laws. And as such the brazen felonious woman I am, most certainly I was taking copies of that aluminum foil coupon all over county, collecting roll after roll of aluminum foil! Mwuhahaha Yes, that's it. That's got to be it. They've found me out. I NEED all of that aluminum foil to cover all the windows in my house to protect me from the mind-controlling aliens who have previously abducted me and run all kinds of Glad Wrap, Ziploc Bag and Parchment Paper experiments on me! I hope I end up with enough rolls so that I can also make protective hats for the dog, the cat, my son and me! I've got to protect my family!!!!!!! And heck, maybe Mel Gibson will cast us in Signs II.