Stop Using Protection

Mind out of the gutter - this is not about ungloved love.

The town in which I live is populated by less than 15,000 people, but contains more than 967,000 stop signs. One would think this would result in traffic congestion which rivals that of horrifyingly wretched, ozone-depleting cites such as Los Angeles and Atlanta; the latter of which should be bitch-slapped for the fact that 99.9% of its roads contain the word Peachtree. However, since I am the only one who comes to a complete stop at each and every one of the red octagons, vehicles manage to make their way around town with no real hindrances.

Not only do I stop at stop signs, I also - GASP - cease my car's movement at red traffic lights, of which there are merely 48,000 in town. Law-abiding citizen I am, I further only make a right turn on red after coming to a complete halt. Evidently, most are unaware of this requirement. Or maybe I am wrong; perhaps it is an actual mandate that red lights are only meant for those turning left, going straight, or need time to send an email on their Crackberry.

While fully decelerated at such a red light this weekend, I observed a family crossing the street to my right. Dad walked beside two youngins who were riding their bikes. Both kids wore helmets - my first clue that this was a dorky family. I have never understood why and when it was determined that children must be protected from all possible danger. Helmets, knee pads, leashes for unruly toddlers (in my day, if we ran in the mall, we just got smacked), gps microchips implanted in the back of the necks of newborns......Good Lord. Soon, there will be invisible force fields in which to encase your children as soon as they get out of bed (with its protective rails, of course) in the morning.

It's ok to fall down and skin your knee; both of mine bear scars from childhood falls. And, it's ok to let your kids do stupid things and learn from the consequences. Go ahead, touch the hot stove and see what happens! You're talking to a girl who once, for no explicable reason, through a rock the size of a baseball up in the air - proceeded to look up at it and have gravity bring it back down right onto her face, knocking out a front tooth! Guess what, I didn't do that again.

But I digress. Behind Dad and overly-protected bike-riding kiddos was Mom. She was pushing an umbrella which carried a kid who was probably two years old. Keep in mind, the boy was IN THE STROLLER. He wasn't pushing, he wasn't standing in it, hell, he looked quite comfortable in his chauffeured state. My eyes popped out of my head when I realized that he too, HAD ON A HELMET! WTF?? Ok, this family is worse than dorks, they are complete, brainwashed buffoons.* I predict that each of their now-unscathed children will be verbally tormented and have cafeteria food hurled at them by the time they reach second grade.

I was just about to roll down my window and harass them myself, but the light turned green and the impatient jerk behind me immediately honked his horn at me! I had to drive away - 75 yards to a stop sign.

* Please note that neither Mom nor Dad wore a helmet. I defy you to explain that one.